Rodney
Dangerfield went to a psychiatrist. "You're crazy," the
psychiatrist said. Dangerfield protested, "If you don't mind, I want
a second opinion." The psychiatrist said, "All right. You're
ugly too."
Early
bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What
does a Zen monk say to a hot dog stand vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Hell
hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Last
night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
You're
trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I
would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky
My
second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head
on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck
After
making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And
she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry
Shandling
Men
do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the
code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd
forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner
Why
does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda
Montgomery
I
have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
Ah,
yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet. - Robin Williams
I'm
a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane
I
don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" -
Bruce Baum
Boss to new employee:
"I want you to know that my door is always open. Please walk by
quietly."
Golfer Tommy Bolt had a
terrible temper. Once, after missing six straight putts, generally leaving
them teetering on the very edge of the cup, Bolt shook his fist at the
heavens and shouted, "Why don't you come down and fight like a
man!"
A
man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes
off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend
says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever
seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we
were married 35 years.”
How many mystery writers
does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but it needs a
spectacular twist at the end.
The daughter of a wealthy
producer was asked at school to write a story about a poor family. Her
essay began: "Once upon a time there was a poor family. The mother
was poor. The daddy was poor. The children were poor. The butler was poor.
The chauffeur was poor. The maid was poor. The gardener was poor.
Everybody was poor."
A
man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hithis
car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulledhim
from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrificstruggle and had to be
tranquilized by the medics. Later,when
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.
He
said, I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke upon
a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign.
And
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'
"Warning"...Bad
Virus!
If you
receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it immediately!
Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR
and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to
play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your
ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone's autodial to call only your mother-in-law's
number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz
(be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is
only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly
change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to
smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
LIFE IS UNCERTAIN; EAT YOUR DESSERT FIRST!
A young man of 32 had been
appointed president of the bank. He'd never dreamed he'd be president,
much less at such a young age. So he approached the venerable Chairman of
the Board and said, "You know, I've just been appointed President. I
was wondering if you could give me some advice."
The old man came back with
just two words: "Right decisions!"
The young man had hoped for
a bit more than this, so he said, "That's really helpful, and I
appreciate it, but can you be more specific? How do I make right
decisions?"
The wise old man simply
responded, "Experience."
The young man said,
"Well, that's just the point of my being here. I don't have the kind
of experience I need. How do I get it?"
Came the terse reply,
"Wrong decisions!"
Two
elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over
the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red, but they went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I could have
sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes
they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again
they sailed right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
Sure enough, at the next intersection, the light was definitely red and
they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said
"Mildred, Do you know we just went through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us."
Mildred turned to her and said, "OH S***, AM I DRIVING???"
A
tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully
garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the
meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the
bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this
beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner,
but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the
restaurant, but he can have it tomorrow.
The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and
orders the testicle dish.
When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely
small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, "Well
sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".
Two
guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in
his butt.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your butt?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man with a feather in
his hair came oozing out."
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No s**?!"
RESPONSES
FROM SUNDAY SCHOOL CHILDREN
The Bible is full of many
interesting caricatures. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife
was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. Moses went up on
Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments, but he died before he ever
reached Canada. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born
because Mary had an immaculate contraption. An epistle is the wife of an
apostle.
The fifth commandment is:
Humor thy father and mother.
The Pope lives in the
vacuum.
A Republican is a sinner
mentioned in the Bible.
Abraham begat Isaac and
Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat the twelve partridges.
EXCERPTS
FROM CHURCH BULLETINS:
The ladies of the church
have cast off clothes of every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement on Friday afternoon.
"ME MUDDER"
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me a** was wed
Me Mudder
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not
Me Mudder
And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum
Me Mudder
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
Me Mudder
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s***
Me Mudder
When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
Me Fadder!
BOYS NIGHT OUT
The other night I was
invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I
would be home by midnight ...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer
was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I
headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake
up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her
twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her
why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said "oops," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, and cuckooed twice more
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL
A little girl was sitting
on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did
anyone ever tell you that you're the smartest and most wonderful man
in the world?" Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no,
honey, they haven't." "Then, from where did you get the
idea?" she asked.
COMMENTS ABOUT SEX
"You know "that
look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
~ Steve Martin
"Sex at age 90 is like
trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~Camille Paglia
30 Things You Would
Never Know Without The Movies
1. During all
police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least
once.
2. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other with the customary accent.
3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying
beside her.
5. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective -- or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk
you down.
8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place --
no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building undetected.
9. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
12. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,
even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
13. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
14. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language -- a German accent will do.
15. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his/her
forthcoming art exhibition.
16. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill -- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
18. If staying in a haunted house, it is mandatory that women investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
19. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
20. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
21. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
22. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
23. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.
24. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the wheel from left to right every few moments. Plus, you can drive
for at least 10 seconds without looking where you are going.
25. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.
26. A detective can only solve a case once he/she has been suspended from
duty.
27. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts -- your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
28. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment that it is aired. And you turn the TV off
immediately to continue dialogue.
29. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds --
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
30. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
Subliminal Messages
The Cost of College
Dear Dad:
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of Friend$ and
$tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you can ,
ju$t $end me a card a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son:
I kNOw that astrNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad.
IT'S YOUR CALL!
This was a conversation
between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in late 1995.
Canadians: Please divert
your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you
divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You
will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.
Americans: This is the
captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course!
Canadians: No, I say again,
you divert YOUR course!!
Americans: This is the
Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States
Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers
and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15
degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!!!
Canadians: This is a
lighthouse. Your call!
WHO SAID THAT?
It was the first day of
school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman,
entered the fourth grade in the US. The teacher said, 'Let's begin by
reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty,
or give me Death?' She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki,
who had his hands up. 'Patrick Henry, 1775.' he said.
Very good! Who said
'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish
from the earth'? Again, no response except from Suzuki: 'Abraham Lincoln,
1863.', said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the
class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country,
knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper:
'Screw the Japs.' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up.
'Lee Iacocca, 1982.'
At that point, a student in
the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares and asks, 'All right!
Now, who said that?' Again, Suzuki says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another
student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving
his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,
1997!'
Now with almost a mob
hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll
kill you.' Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy 2001.'
The teacher fainted. And as
the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
shit, we're in BIG trouble now! ...and Suzuki said, 'The Taliban! 2001.'
By Reuters
December 20, 2001 5:02 AM PT
LONDON-- The world's
funniest joke, voted by popular demand over the Internet, was
unveiled on Thursday by the British Association for the Advancement
of Science (BA) after an experiment lasting three months.
Famed fictional detective
Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their
tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night
Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.
HOLMES: Watson, look up
at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of
stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of
those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like
earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might
also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you
idiot! Somebody stole our tent!
The BA said the joke was
the most popular among 10,000 submitted, being chosen as the best by
47 percent of the 100,000 people from more than 70 countries who
took part.
IN
TUNE
This is a classic. How
does the expression go, revenge is sweet.
A Husband and wife
are getting all snugly in bed. The
passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".
The husband says "WHAT?"
The wife explains that he
must be in tune with her
emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that
nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well
deal with it.
So the next day the
husband takes her shopping at a big
department store. He walks around and has her try on three
very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He
tells his wife to take all three of
them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth
$200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department
where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so
excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she
does not care.
She goes for the tennis
bracelet. The husband says,
"But you don't even play tennis! Well, OK if you like it
then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up
and down so excited she cannot
even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to
go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops
and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this
stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey -
I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is
indescribable and she is about
to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune
with my financial needs as a Man."
THE ATHEIST AND THE BEAR
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska,
admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful
animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster,
so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was
even closer.
His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he
tripped and fell to the ground.
As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him. It
reached for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
The man screamed, "OH MY GOD! ...."
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving
.. Time stopped.
A brilliant light shone upon the man, and a thunderous voice came from all
around.
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS. YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I
DON'T EXIST.
YOU CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU
OUT OF YOUR FEARS NOW? AM I TO NOW COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said,
"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these
years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped down on her knees, and brought both paws together.
And with bowed head said:
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
THE
MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
A teacher gave her fifth
grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell
them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the children came
in and one by one began to tell their stories.
'Johnny, the teacher asked,
'do you have a story to share?'
'Yes, ma'am, my daddy told
a story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over hostile
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall
into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of
twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the pistol until
she ran out of bullets, then killed four more with the knife 'till the
blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.
'Good heavens!' said the
horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that
horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunt Karen
when she's been drinking!'
APPLICATION
FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE:
This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a
complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background
check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your
doctor.
NAME:_________________DATE
OF BIRTH:_____________
HEIGHT:______WEIGHT:_______I.Q.______GPA_________
SOCIAL
SECURITY#_________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:_________________________________
HOME
ADDRESS:___________________________________
CITY/STATE_______ZIP________
Do you have one
MALE and one FEMALE parent? ____yes?____no?
Number of years
parents married:_________________
Do you own a
van?______A truck with oversized tires?_______A waterbed?______ Do you
have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_____________ (IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE THE PREMISES)
In 50 words or
less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU?
_________________________________________________________________________________
In
50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________________
.Congregation
you attend:_______________________
How often do you attend?_________________________
When would it
the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors,
minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends? (please supply phone
numbers) _________________________________________________
What do you want
to be IF you grow up?___________
ANSWER
THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.
"If I
were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is
___________________________
"If I were
beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
______________________________________
"A
woman’s place is in the ______________________
"The one
thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________
"When I
first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is her
_______________________________________
(NOTE: If the
answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and
it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head
low and running in a serpentine fashion.)
I
SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A
SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DRIPPING
WATER TORTURE AND ELECTROCUTION.
____________________________________________
SIGNATURE
(Yes, this means you!)
Thank
you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow two to four years for
processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in
writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write, any attempt to
make contact might delay processing. If your application is rejected, two
gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will contact you.
BECAUSE
THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE IT MAY NOT BE CONSIDERED HUMOROUS, BUT I
CONSIDER IT TRULY INSPIRING!
I
will never have a bad day after readingthis man's accident
report!!!
This
is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This
is a true story.
Dear
Sir "I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor
planning"as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trustthe following details will be
sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather
than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel
by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You
will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward
at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the
accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you
again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
the side of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
They settled
his claim...
Your
day can be as rotten or as nice as YOU
CHOOSE!!!
Only YOU
can control your
attitude!
TICKLE ME PINK
