A Journey Of Self-Discovery

I was a  fatherless daughter but now I am an Overcomer! Now I have a Father, the Heavenly Father who watches over me and takes care of me each and every day.

I don't have to be perfect for him - I fail him everyday, but he still loves me.

He loves me unconditionally! 

I am an avid reader - Leaders are readers right? The book and the author was "Communication, Sex and Money" by Dr. Edwin Louis Cole, in it Dr. Cole was standing before a group of hurting women - Women who were used and abused by the men in their life. He was standing in the gap as the man who had hurt them and he was asking their forgiveness. As I sat on the edge of the bed reading this dialogue I felt a wave of grief grip me so powerfully,  I just doubled over as flashes of memory began assailing my mind. They were memories of me about four years old being with my father. 

I didn't see any details. I guess even then my conscious mind was rejecting the reality of what had happened, but there was this burst of inward revelation of sexual abuse, and all this happened when I was just three or four years old, about the time my parents separated. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was true because when I was twelve years old my brother and I spent a weekend with my Dad and he tried unsuccessfully to have sex with me, by then I was old enough to understand.

I hated men with a passion and never understood why! The strange thing is, as much as I hated men I wanted to be a man, because I hated being a woman even more. But with God's help I have learned to forgive my earthly father I have since come to understand that he was also a victim - His grandfather sexually abused him. Through a process I came to that place of complete forgiveness where I could release him into the hands of God. I now pray for him and ask God to deliver him from this spirit and change his life forever. 

I had to learn to forgive myself, I think I hated myself more than I hated my father and deep down, there was this feeling that I was the cause, that somehow I made my father do this to me. You might be reading this and thinking, that this is so irrational, and yes, you would be correct but this was the result of a wounded soul - As a teenager I used to feel so unworthy and useless, if God's hand was not upon my life I would have been dead by now as I seriously contemplated suicide several times in my life.

I also had to learn to love and trust my heavenly Father and I was a Christian at the time but there was this deep sense of blame where I blamed God for all the bad things that happened in my life. You see my earthly father failed me in every way possible, he was never a prophet, priest and king in his own household. I had to come to know God as my heavenly father for myself. It was so hard for me to submit to my husband because submission was a dirty word to me. I had to come to that place where I understood that when I submit myself to my husband it doesn't mean he controls me. I have come to understand that my purpose is to assist him to become all that God created him to be and in submitting myself to God I can really and truly submit myself to him.

I am continually growing in Christ! And with every season of my life that God has taken me through, there's always something more to learn about myself. My desire is to allow God in every area of my life - Even the secret parts that I don't know exist. I had to learn to love myself and not feel inferior to other people - I also had to break ungodly soul ties with my father. 

Jonathan and David in the bible had a Godly soul tie. But there was this love/hate relationship with my Dad that I could not reconcile until I came to understand that he had a piece of my soul and I needed to take it back. I needed to be whole again. 

Sex touches us or affects us on all three levels - Body, Soul and Spirit. Every time we have intercourse with someone we take a piece of their soul with us and they take piece of ours with them. God intended for it to be like that but only in a loving relationship between a husband and wife. Soul ties are the reason why some women find it hard to walk away from an abusive relationship.

Again, God had me read a book which helped me through this process of deliverance, it's called, "Seductions Exposed: The Spiritual Dynamics of Relationships" by Dr. Gary Greenwald

I used to hide all this and cover it up, and the devil tormented me with it, telling me that I'm not worthy to share the gospel with anyone, but I have learnt that God does not condemn me - He loves me! I can boldly speak about my experience - I don't see this sexual abuse as a total negative any more, because of it I am strong and from this bad experience good has come.

God can use me as a vessel to be open and transparent before others so that they can be Overcomers also, so don't feel sorry for me. I have helped young women who have had the same experience to rise above the pain and tragedy and be all that God intended them to be. And with every person God brought into my life for help, I have learnt something new about myself that draws me closer to my Father.

I'm on a journey of self discovery every day and you know what - I am Happy! I have learnt to love myself, to accept who I am right now, on my way to perfection! I have learnt to be real with me and everyone else and not to pretend to be anything else but who I am - Imperfect, lovable me and I love this feeling of freedom it gives me - I love myself, I love being a woman  I HAVE OVERCOME and so will you!

Port St. Lucie, FL. USA

Back To Articles     ~     Back To Cheap Christian Ebooks

 Salvation      Home      About Me        Links      Statement of Faith      Contact Me      Cheap Christian Ebooks